If I could be transparent for a second

I’d tell you sometimes I'm tired of “just figuring it out”. I'd tell you that the feeling of indifference might be worse than hate.

Numb. You're just numb.

At least with hate you “feel something”.

With indifference you don't feel anything. And for someone like me who has always had big feelings. Indifference is doing something to me. Especially when it's towards people you'd least expect. I didn't think I'd ever be here. Not with them.

I'd tell myself “If not YOU, then Who?” ; somebody has to do it. Whether you see it or not. You're more than deserving. They just wanted to “hold you up” even if it meant tearing you down.

I'm not sure which stage of grief I'm currently in. Maybe this is acceptance. Maybe I'm still in denial. All I know is I refuse to be here for long……indifferent.

Somehow I've managed to create this pocket where I deal with “it” then move it to the side when I think I'm done. Problem is “it” wasn't done. Now it's here back at my heart when I thought I had completed this process.

I'm tired but most can't tell. I'm just grateful for God's grace. Grateful that even when I've felt like I couldn't God knew I could. This isn't my typical blog entry I know.

I told myself I'd do an entry yesterday and didn't get around to it. Today I'm here and I guess my heart needed some fine tuning. So I tweaked it in this blog. I refuse to let the window of my soul get fogged.

So I decided I'd open the window up. Let some fresh air in. Probably wondering how you got here and you're not on your own in that thought.

I can't recall the last time I've had space to think ……. ALONE ! That's wild to be someone's reality. I'm “someone” if you needed the clarity.

Tired. Not done. Just tired. But you couldn't tell though. It's difficult, even with access, to read me well. Don't sweat it though, tomorrow I'll be back to my regularly scheduled program.

Breathe. Stretch. Shake. Let it go.

No D**** though !! 🚮🔥‼️

🤭😮‍💨

Y'all be easy. Love ya. Later.

Shya